Thursday, August 10, 2006

The entire planet is made out of widdly-wee

In a previous post, I noted that, while many of the Sharper Image's devices have ludicrously unnecessary extra functions, their massagers or vibrators only vibrate. They don't poach eggs or tell time or talk; just vibrate.

Well, this Spa Head Massager does have a second application: part of a costume in Star Trek Cosplay.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I am curious (coral)

Today's target of contempt, the Mood Beams, are not chosen because of their total lack of any sort of useful function (tchotchkas that do nothing but gather dust and look shiny are pretty normal, and the price of sixteen bucks for something like that isn't very unusual either), but because they're kind of creepy.

Sure, they look kind of cute. Like My Buddy dolls. Or leprechauns. Or the mogwais resulting from the water spilled on Gizmo.

And then the dazzling color display promised in the ad copy gets ahold of your brain and convinces you to kill your friends and/or pets.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Pocket pool

The object of today's one-joke review is this miniature Executive pool table, or, as the ad copy calls it, "pocket billiards".

Yes, with the Sharper Image, you may now spend seventy bucks to play pocket pool.

Formerly, one could do it for free, but hey.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

You turn the page, you wash your hands.

Today, we have a mysophobia threesome!

Touch-Free EZ Faucet Adapter: turns every faucet into a sensor-activated faucet like at airports and nicer bus stations and stuff, so that instead of actually doing something so vulgar as touching a knob that some other human being has touched (the rationale kind of makes sense in a public place frequented by lots of people with questionable hygiene but this is for your own goddamn faucet people) thereby acquiring their contagion, now you just have to stand there and awkwardly wave your hands around until you finally find and activate the little sensor----right in the comfort of your own home!

Germicidal Air Purifier: cleanses the air, and its only side effects are the ozone it generates and the emissions generated during the production of the energy used to run the device as well as the production of the device itself. Take that, future generations! We can only hope the Sharper Image comes up with something that generates oxygen and absorbs carbon as well as adding a pleasant aroma to the air and going well with the decor. Like, say, a plant. Which has existed for billions of years.

Antibacterial body pillow: prevents you from picking up germs. Um, your own germs. Or that of your spouse. Who sleeps right beside you and shares your bodily fluids occasionally.


But I guess your own germs could fester in this pillow, which would be bad. Unless you wash it. And it is washable.

Okay, Sharper Image? Just cut to the chase and come out with a fucking plastic bubble for your customers to wear lest they develop immune systems.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Today's victim of unaskedfor mockery is this, the iJoy Board Motorized Balance Trainer. It's supposed to help you balance and be like snowboarding or skateboarding, except without the exhiliration of speed and the wind in your hair and the threat of physical danger and the sense of personal accomplishment. BUT you can do it while watching TV.

Kudos to Mr. Board Rider here in making a noble effort to appear as though he's enjoying himself. He looks a bit as though he's trying to graciously accept the bet he lost that had him fingered to be the model for this ludicrous overpriced piece of crap.

And now, I leave you with a Shel Silverstein poem:

I can't afford a skate board.
I can't afford a surf board.
The only board I can afford
Is a board.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Why the Diet Industry is Thriving: Part II

Today's victim of unprovoked hate is the Seascooter XL Personal Water Scooter. It's like the Segway of the sea.

Now, for a reasonable $149.95 (on sale from a reasonable $199.95) you can move around underwater without the inconvenience of swimming. This dignified little device can take you as deep as fifteen feet and go as fast as two miles an hour.

This is the kind of thing that's entertaining for about five minutes. Which would make your fun thirty bucks per minute.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I can't get no satisfaction

Today's Sharper Image item, the AcuVibe Rechargeable Personal Massager, may look vaguely familiar to some both of my female readers. That's right, the Sharper Image has finally come out with their own version of the classic, much beloved, that Dom Perignon of vibrators, the Hitachi Magic Wand.

I am a little bit surprised, though, that even in this day and age vibrators still have to be marketed as "personal massagers".

Perhaps the only other thing about this that really surprises me is how simple it is. Most Sharper Image items have some kind of bizarre, pointless extra function. It's a clock... that makes poached eggs! It's a three-pronged marshmellow roaster... that rotates! It's a pair of socks... with antibacterial capabilities! But this vibrator just... vibrates. And is the color of a personal computer. And this is in a market with leopard-print and glow-in-the-dark items, or devices shaped like hummingbirds or disguised as rubber duckies, water-proof devices, hands-free vibrators that buzz to the beat of pulsing music in order to make clubbing a lot more fun.

So let's see how the Sharper Image's AcuVibe vibrator compares to the classic Hitachi.

Both have two speeds: high and low.

Both claim to be powerful. Vibration is centralized at the head and not wasted at the base.

AcuVibe: 49.95
Hitachi: 40.95 (on sale from 44.95)

Power Source
AcuVibe: rechargeble; charge lasts 30 minutes
Hitachi: power cord
The option of cord vs. batteries is a major distinction in the make of a vibrator. A cord offers more power but less mobility. Batteries offer more mobility but less power and have an unfortunate habit of dying at inopportune moments. Plus, battery-powered devices tend to be novelty devices and have a shorter life span. The AcuVibe attempts to have its cake and eat it too, offering power and portability, but a thirty-minute charge simply might not be enough to satisfy some customers. Plus, when it runs out of juice, it has to recharge for eight hours, whereas regular batteries can be replaced in a few minutes.

Winner: Hitachi Magic Wand. Potential customers of the AcuVibe may want to consider turning Japanese instead.